Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. Would he be badgering you to give up therapy because you dont need it? Sometimes I clean, sometimes I knit, sometimes I go for a walk, but I feel like the fastest way to undermine him is to should at him. And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. One notable occasion was when I got interested in a new industry and there was a 3 day workshop I wanted to attend. It also reads a bit like hes trying to control her looks as opposed to her happiness, though again, my vision may be a bit skewed here. man, you know, there is even an episode of star trek entirely about how when Spock tries to logic everything, the human crew gets really upset with him and McCoy is like emotion exists you dick and Spocks like the deuce you say BUT THEN HE STARTS TO ACCOUNT FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS IN HIS DECISION MAKING AND STUFF WORKS BETTER. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. Ive seen this shaming from the peanut gallery even in dating relationships. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. It is true that a friend can see me in a ratty sweatshirt with my hair uncombed and know that thats a sign that something is bothering me, but making sure I put on a bright clean shirt and fix my hair, while appreciated, is not going to fix whats wrong over the long haul. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. Weve worked hard to become partners in his health and Ive definitely made some missteps along the way. * If you dont see him getting anywere on that front, please dont think you have to keep pushing to make it work even at this point, nobody could fault you for leaving if thats the route you end up taking. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. Is he happy? Back in the dim times, when I was young and dewy and dinosaurs still roamed the planet, and I was married to my starter husband, I was unhappy with our relationship. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. Hooo yes. Walking is brilliant (assuming you have the spoons and physical ability to do it) its gentler on your joints than a lot of other cardio, you dont need special clothing, and its free. That!! He ate it for lunch (everyday!) Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. OK, clearly Im not making you happy here, what with my not exercising right and not eating well enough and doing the dishes as frequently as you like. On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. Bravo! You speak for me! That was threatening to him. Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? He comes on strong. Has the boyfriend pulled out stories of other people who have similar problems and yet manage to be super-awesome-amazing-overachievers? Only I was the fixer, always trying to give my boyfriend helpful advice about how hes doing everything wrong and hed be so much healthier and happier if only hed go to bed earlier, eat more veggies, and agree with me about more stuff. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. One way to equalize a relationship like this while still showing care for your partners mental health is to maybe suggest fun things to do TOGETHER. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. Worst case scenario, it can lead to more blatant abuse (sounds like he already has manifested abusive tendencies with the name calling and the silent treatment). Your email address will not be published. Or something like that, anyway. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. (sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not plentiful enough!). Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! This was where I got very concerned. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. I hope that your boyfriend is willing to listen, and that he can eventually be supportive in the way that *you need him to be. I agree. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. That is exactly the right way to help, I think. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. But it can be useful to remember that the other person may be engaged in a positive struggle to live their life, even if looks maddeningly like the opposite from outside. You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. Nevermind the fact that none of my friends were actually offended at all, he just couldnt admit that he had a problem with something I had said. I make weird concoctions of things that are in the house, and if theyre tasty they make it into the regular rotation! Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! She will ask me to do things like remove sharp objects from her living space, check in to make sure shes eating, wake her up in the morning when shes unlikely to get up on her own, phone her psychiatrist to give info/updates about how shes doing, and so on. Dont bring past grievances into it, either. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. He doesnt want you to be as well as possible (AWAP), he wants your illness to be gone. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. ? when someone is abused.). I will always be a survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. This was my first reaction, too. In retrospect I think that I was correct about her commitment level BUT I still put all the focus on her rather than dealing with my own portion of those concerns and my personal issues. What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? He dropped out of college to focus on being a sound cloud rapper. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. He may, on some level, have convinced himself that all will be right with the world if youd just conform to his standards, but if he really, truly cared, hed look on the changes youve already made as big positives and cheer you on as you continue your journey towards better living. And will often ask if I want icecream instead I was in a relationship like this! Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. On time! Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Ive been on both sides of the Have you eaten a food today? I expect him to monitor his health and to take as much action as he can when hes feeling bad, just as LW is doing. It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. But as things progressed, he developed this habit of picking me up and driving me someplace without telling me where we were going, because it was a surprise. 19 times out of 20, it would be one of the handful of places we always went, but that 1 time in 20, it would be something special. The only trouble is, he was far more of a night owl than me, so these special events werent always to my taste and would keep me up hours later than I was comfortable with. I did not fail. Thank you. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. Right now it feels like youre breaking up because youre not good enough for him, but in a very short while, it will become evident that youre breaking up because hes not good enough for you. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. Point out to your boyfriend that he's not her savior and doesn't need to ride to her rescue. This has gotten him in trouble a few times. And yes, those cultural messages are a large part of the reason I still often feel like I am a failure because my (emotionally abusive) ex dumped me and I now have to mark Divorced every damn year when I do my taxes. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) This you will have to figure out yourself how long you can wait for them to decide or how much you can put up with or if they ever will. Cant get to the I want? My Jerkbrain doesnt do encouraging, whereas it is full of advice for how I can do better, much of it pretty rude. What do I do? Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. You are strong and brave to decide that you need to draw boundaries. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you bear in mind that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship you can still love someone deeply and make the choice that the relationship isnt healthy for either of you. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. He is mad at you for not being good enough he wants you to feel like you have to earn his affection. That doesnt. I like to have a logical reason for everything I do and feel, and I dont have a lot of other problem-solving methods. People dont always tell you frankly when theyre mad at you because, say, theyre projecting their issues on you. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. He took this as a personality defect that he had to badger me into fixing. And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. LW, I agree with a lot of the commentators that this may be an irredeemable situation, but it may help to tell your boyfriend what he can do to help. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! Let me give an example. Whatever you could do today is enough. With that said, the author adds the context that the dog was originally her ex-boyfriend's, and he had been trying to get his dog back for a while. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. I get the feeling that even if LW does everything the boyfriend wants, and eats all her veggies and does a few triathlons and gets a job modeling for Vogue and is elected President of the Universe, there will always still be something else for him to criticize. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. . On one such occasion, I decided I needed a big vat of coconut sticky rice. One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? LW, I dont think your bf loves you for you. There were plenty of other things wrong with our relationship, but I was super-duper in love with him except that now I realize the person I ACTUALLY liked, loved, and respected was the imaginary version of him that lived in my head. And then we left my therapists office, and he spent the entire car ride home and the next 8 hours telling me why my therapist was completely useless and how we were going to do things his way or we werent going to do them at all. And he tried to change me, too (although I was worse): he was always trying to get me to relax more, to spend less time working and instead build my schedule around him. Openly and blatantly. Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. He isnt attempting to start any type of dialogue at all! Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. My business I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just for. And feel, and I dont think your bf loves you for not being nice you. Asking for permission to dump their partner why do I get the feeling sometimes an... Tends to expect peoples feelings to be super-awesome-amazing-overachievers to stay friends a few times from qualifying.. 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